Thursday, April 2, 2009

Powerful Mind

On a heavy note today... since its my blog, I need to vent...

I guess its known by now that my father has cancer of the brain. We found out when we returned from our 2 week trip to Italy. It is a very serious form of brain cancer, and he was in the hospital for the good part of the first of the year with other side effects, including pneumonia. He finally was released from the hospital and doing much better, even went through one round of chemo with out any complications.
Yesterday, I started having really "bad thoughts" (I am quoting this because I dont know how else to put it). Thoughts about what will eventually happen, and when, and how, etc etc. These are not good thoughts to be having. They come out of no where and I cant stop them. I guess its all reality, but I need to be having a more positive stance in my own head. I do feel that he is going to make it through all of this, that he will be the miracle. He is a strong man, always been healthy, he can do anything! (he's my dad, of course!) But those creepy, crawly thoughts keep coming back. And to make it all worse, everytime these "thoughts" arrive, something goes wrong. Like, I had bad thoughts yesterday and then today, he wakes up with a horrible headache, and he's been throwing up all night. UGH. I mean, he did start his second round of chemo yesterday, so I am sure that is what is causing all this... but now today he has to get a CAT scan! I know my "thoughts" dont make anything happen.. but man does it seem powerful.

I just cant fathom how any of this fair? I am mad, upset, lost, confused. I just want to be hopeful.

I am having a bad day.

Here is a picture of the gang from St. Patty's Day parade this year. My dad is in the back second from left... isnt he cute!!!??

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